How Easy

How easily I can be swallowed up by my circumstances and lose sight of God. This weekend started out a little rough and didn't seem to let up till Saturday afternoon.

I found out Friday that another friend of mine is pregnant. I'm THRILLED for her and her husband, but I won't deny there is a little part of me that grieves as well. The little part that says, "Another one. Will I ever get to share this news with friends? If I get pregnant, will it even matter to anyone? Will they be excited or will my pregnancy be irrelevant to them since they've done it before." But the little part doesn't speak out loud and I am able to show the genuine joy and excitement for my dear friend who feels like puking on me at the moment. I wait till I get home to cry. I know all my thoughts are lies, but they come so fast its hard to remember what is true. I'm so thankful for my husband who holds me and lets me cry. Who knows this 'waiting period' is hard for me, though it hasn't been hard for him. Who reminds me of hope and that God has been good to me through the Gospel and continues to be good to me through the Gospel. I have a busy day on Saturday and I still need to finish the burp cloths for tomorrow's baby shower. I also feel a cold coming on.

Saturday morning I wake up earlier than I want to be up for a Bible Study with other young wives I've become friends with in our church. Two of them are pregnant. I'm groggy because its early and I've got a cold. I haven't finished the Bible Study because my week was super busy and I couldn't find the time to finish it. I show up and enjoy the Bible Study discussion, but its hard to concentrate due to grogginess. The pregnant friends discuss pregnant things for a few minutes before we all leave and I'm waiting around because one of the girls is following me to my friend's baby shower. We get to the baby shower a little late where, no lie, 3/4 of the women there are pregnant. There are two other women there under the age of 55 who are not pregnant and one of them is a mother of 3 so in some ways she doesn't count. We go around the room to share our names and how we each know my friend whom the shower is for. Each pregnant woman shares that she's is pregnant and jokes and laughter ensue. It is comical that so many women are pregnant, know each other, and at the same shower. But its hard to make the joke that you aren't pregnant, when you want to be. I wonder if the other not pregnant, not already a mother, woman is going through a similar trial, but I don't know her and I don't think it would be appropriate 'get to know you' conversation to ask her. My friend, who the shower is for, asks me after a little while if the 'greeting time' was hard for me and that she was thinking about me. I replied, "It wasn't my favorite, but its really okay. It isn't about me." and I mean it. It meant a lot that she thought about me and that moments like that could be hard. A little moment of comfort to my soul. She remembers going through similar circumstances. My other newly pregnant friend sits with me at the shower, another comfort to my soul. She still looks like she could puke on command, but is hiding it pretty well. I over hear a comment about my burp cloths and I'm more discouraged and angry. I leave pretty much as soon as the shower is over because I have Accountability across town in a little while. I call Neil sufficiently discouraged and tell him, "I just want to lay in bed and cry." But instead I go to the coffee shop I'm meeting the ladies at for Accountability. Here I am able to pray and sort through my keyed up emotions and thoughts. I have to cast myself on the Lord and claim that I'm weak and I have weak faith today. HELP ME! By God's grace, I'm able to repent of my anger and pray for a heart of forgiveness since I have been forgiven worse debts by a holy God. I'm able to read the Psalms and try to think on truth. I'm glad when the other ladies arrive and I'm extra glad its only going to be three of us since I don't have energy for a big crowd. I tell them all that has transpired in the last 24 hours and am able to breathe relief as they acknowledge that my circumstances are hard. Sometimes its just really nice to have others factually say that something you are going through is hard, it helps me know I'm not just complaining. It was good to be under their encouragement and care. They remind me that today's (Saturday) circumstances are from the Lord for a good purpose. They remind me that what God is doing in this circumstance and trial is better than what I want right now-pregnancy and children. They remind me that God will give me the desires of my heart and that those heart desires might change if he wants them to, but it will be okay because I'll want the changed desires too.

Then I remember that I'm getting baptized on Sunday and sharing my testimony in front of the church! They encourage me about getting baptized and it helps me to turn my thoughts back to the Gospel and how God saved me! It reminds me of how He changed my heart of despair and confusion to a heart of joy and hope when he saved me. Remembering that time helps change my current heart of despair and confusion to joy and hope. My heart is lifted as I think on all that God has done for me in saving me and his faithfulness through my life and other trials. I'm currently reminded of Romans 8:32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? God has given me Christ in my biggest trial, how will he not also give me help and hope for this current trial?

Sunday was a joy and I believe God gave me several provisions to comfort my soul. I was filled with peace about sharing in front of the church and I wasn't anxious anymore about falling out of the baptismal afterward. My parents and Neil's parents came to support me and man did that mean so much to me! The sermon was on Philippians 3:2-14 and I'm encouraged and challenged to "press on" to know God from where I'm at in my relationship with him. to "forget what lies behind" (the past failures and successes) and to "strain toward what is ahead" (being with Christ and seeing him 'face to face'). Several of our friends came and encouraged me after the service and it was so sweet to receive their support and care for me. Friends, family, and the church body were such sweet kindnesses of God to comfort my weary soul from hard circumstances. How kind of Him to also lift up my head and heart to be reminded that God is bigger than my circumstances, bad days, and weak faith. He is not shaken by these things or dependent on the strength of my faith in order to reveal his kindness and power to me. Praise the Lord for his power, dominion, and strength.