Confessions of a Wannabe

I wannabe someone who waits well for God's plan.
I wannabe someone who endures trials with joy.
I wannabe able to not annoy myself with my whining spirit.
I don't wannabe consumed with thoughts about pregnancy, diets, cycles, and if I am doing things right or wrong.
I don't wannabe weary and sad.
I wannabe experiencing depth and joy in my relationship with God.
I wannabe someone who has a regular monthly cycle.
I wannabe pregnant.
I wannabe able to get pregnant.
I wannabe able to understand what is going on in my body and how to fix it.
I wannabe successful with the diet.
I don't wannabe feeling isolated and alone.
I don't wannabe the one that is 'left out' again.
I wannabe-lieve that God could heal me and would want to heal me.

Here are my confessions of what I wannabe but I'm not. At least not today.

Neil and I are currently seeking the Lord on if we should continue the diet or not. At the beginning of our Christmas Break we started discussions about why we are on different pages when it comes to the diet. It's been going on for awhile, but our miscommunication was beginning to birth bitterness in my heart towards him. I think some of it was also that we had switched our roles in this area. I was leading the way with starting the diet since my body has PCOS and the diet effects my body. I was the one doing the research about the diet and PCOS. I was the one relating my research to Neil and I was the one who was receiving Neil's questions and skepticism about the research I had found. Then I was the one who shut down and felt alone and isolated because of the diet. This has been the broad cycle since August when we started the diet, though there have been times of unity throughout.

But now, Neil is leading the direction for our family in this area. We are both seeking God's word and praying for direction on the diet, but Neil will ultimately make the decision. I'm ready to submit and be united with my husband on the direction the Lord leads us. I'm ready to trust that the Lord is the only one who can give us children, not some man made diet, drugs, or treatments. Yes, I do believe that God can use those things as a means of his power and to accomplish his will, but I also believe that man (myself) can lean solely on his own understanding and trust in his own strength, intelligence, research, to try to make what he wants happen.

I think that is where I mostly find myself. I wannabe pregnant and this diet has seemed to work for other women so I also will go on this diet and it will fix my problems and give me what I want. I have idolized pregnancy and the diet as the only way I can get pregnant. I have died on the altar of my desires and my heart struggles to believe God.

But I refuse to die on this altar any longer. The idolatry of my desires, pregnancy, and the diet is not worth my marriage or my soul.

I feel like God is withholding from me because I haven't been believing in him for this desire. But then would that be a 'works-based' faith? If I believe that God could give me a baby, then God will give me a baby? I don't think that is right thinking. I confess that I do believe God could do it, but I don't believe God wants to.

Which is true. It could be God's very good and right will for me to never have children. In my head knowledge I know that never having children could be God's blessing to me, but in my heart it's hard to see it as a blessing. I'm not too worried about the state of my heart because I do believe that God will not let me go. The fact that I can say I do not want to die on the altar of my desires is evidence of God's grace and steadfast grip on my soul. I do believe that He will bring my heart to trust and hope in his good plan and I will rejoice in Him because he will be enough for me.

I picked up this book today from our bookshelf:

Shattered Dreams: God's unexpected pathway to joy
I've had it for a few years, but haven't read the whole thing. The introduction today was helpful and I'm trying to choose to believe that this expected pathway that God has for me right now will lead to joy. Here are a few excerpts that were helpful for me:

"God is not waiting to bless us after our troubles end. He is blessing us right now, in and through those troubles. At this exact moment, He is giving us what He thinks is good."
my confession: Today I'm not real fond of the blessing.

"We were created for happiness. Our souls therefore long for whatever we think will provide the greatest possible pleasure. We just aren't yet aware that an intimate relationship with God is that greatest pleasure."
oh, how easily and quickly I forget that my relationship with God is the greatest thing I will ever have and need!

I wannabe someone who doesn't forget that my 'light and momentary troubles are achieving for me and eternal glory that outweighs' all my trials!

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:17-18