Despairing to Joy

I've been seeking to follow the PCOS diet for almost two months and its been a whirlwind of emotions. I started out strong and with faith to learn about the diet and try it. I didn't want it to consume me or be the constant topic of conversation, but it was hard to not research the diet and PCOS, talk with Neil about my findings and my questions, and talk with others about my confusion and questions. I think it did consume me and turned into an idol. I was wanting to 'get the diet right' so it would fix me and I could increase my changes of conceiving. I was comparing myself with my friends whose cycles regulated very quickly and saw constant changes. I was wanting to control my circumstance and fix it quickly. It wasn't and isn't working that way.

Through that I succumbed to despair. There wasn't an instant when I hit the wall of despair, but subtle trickles of helplessness, confusion, frustration, anger, and then hopelessness. I was angry to have PCOS even though its really common. I didn't want to talk about the diet with people, I didn't care about the diet, I didn't want to go to social functions because I didn't want to explain AGAIN why I couldn't eat the food, and I hated that it was the one thing people were asking me about. I've lost weight because of the diet and I hated that people noticed. Any woman in their right mind would LOVE to lose weight and to have people notice, but I hated it. I was angry that it was the only change that had taken place. I was angry that my clothes weren't fitting because I had lost weight. I didn't want to love a friend who is pregnant, I honestly didn't want to even talk to her. In my angry, lonely despair, I wanted her to feel alone. I was wallowing in my selfishness.

BUT GOD

In his mercy has turned my despair to joy. I realized that I was wasting this time of waiting. This time is the perfect time to know the Lord instead of running from him. I want to value this time of waiting and this opportunity to press into the Lord and know him and his purposes better. This is such a precious time and I will miss it if I succumb to despair. But if I press into hope and joy in Lord then it won't be wasted. God is using this to produce in me perseverance, character, and hope. His word says that hope does not disappoint. (Romans 5:3-5) So I'm trying to press in to him instead of pressing into despair and anger. I think 'pressing in' for me looks like taken my thoughts captive and choosing my thoughts. I am choosing to believe God instead of choosing to doubt God. I am choosing to believe his word that says He is for me. I am choosing to be thankful for this diet instead of hateful for it. I am choosing to be thankful for the weight loss and being healthy instead of angry. I try to pray for my meals and ask God to bless the food ('PCOS approved' or not) to my body and nourish it according to his purpose (sometimes I forget to pray for the meal). I am choosing to rejoice and think well of my pregnant friends and what God had done for them instead of thinking of myself and what 'God had done to me'. I am choosing to be thankful for this sweet opportunity to know the Lord and not miss it.

It's a hard battle, but its better than not fighting at all. I've seen the Lord's faithfulness to me even in this past Sunday's sermon on Romans 4:13-22 about Abraham and God's promise to make him the father of many nations. Abraham had no children at the time when God made the promise to him and his wife Sarah was barren. They waited 25 YEARS for the fulfillment of that promise in Isaac! I LOVE verses 18-21:
¹⁸In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, "So shall your offspring be." ¹⁹He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead ( since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah’s womb. ²⁰No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, ²¹fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.

In godly hope Abraham believed against the odds of worldly hope.
Abraham still believed the Lord would fulfill his promise to Abraham despite the reality of his circumstance that Abraham was REALLY OLD and his REALLY OLD WIFE was BARREN. He didn't waver in unbelief because he knew God was faithful and able.
God promised Abraham that he would make him the father of many nations and give him a son and he did.

God has NOT promised me children, but he has promised me eternal hope and joy in Christ. He has promised that this trial is producing fruit in my life. He has promised that" his word is right and true and that he is faithful in all he does." (Psalm 33:4) He has promised that he hears me when I cry out to him. He has promised me that he is my help and my shield and that I can wait in hope for him. (Psalm 33:20)

Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! (Psalm 27:14)
I want to do this well! Wait for the Lord, have joy and take courage!

So that's been my month and I'm doing well right now by God's grace he has continued to help me rejoice and have faith. I think i will continually be tempted to despair, but I do not have to live in despair because of the cross! Praise the Lord!

Don't You Know There Is A Hurricane!?

This is exactly what several people said to me last week when I mentioned Neil and I were going to the Virginia coast to visit some of his siblings. Yes, I said some because he is one of 5 kids! However, I assured the worried minds that we would miss the hurricane by a full day. Neil and I had planned a month ago to spend Labor Day weekend visiting his sister who just moved to Roanoke and then head up to VA Beach to visit his brother and sister-in-law (the same ones that just got married in Williamsburg in June). We had a great time even though I was sick with a sinus infection. In Roanoke we went on a picnic to Mill Mountain which is a park, on a mountain, with this ridiculous star on the top that they light up at night. Along with this star is a camera that will take your picture every 10 seconds and people can go on-line and see you standing there. Its bizarre. Apparently they have the star because Roanoke is known as the 'Star City'... so my question is- would Roanoke be 'Star City' without the star? After much pondering about the purpose of the star we went to a coffee shop and played games. Neil and I really enjoy playing games and so does the rest of his family. Neil's birthday was last week and he received two new games. Monopoly Deal and Dominion. His family as already had a slight obsession with Monopoly Deal, but we were able to spread the obsession to the game Dominion. We brought it along and taught his sister to play. Then we went to VA Beach and taught his brother and sister-in-law to play and that's basically what we did all day Monday. They loved it and we went to sleep with visions of cards in our heads. It was fun to spend time with each of them. VA Beach was beautiful, but was also very much like Panama City Beach- very touristy and junky. We walked on the beach once and it was really nice, but we had our fill. Neil and I aren't really 'beach people', though I am slightly more than him because it was really the only way my family vacationed. Anyway, I like Virginia, but its good to be home.

My String of Pearls

It's been awhile since I've posted because the month of July was pretty hard. Neil and I weren't busy with anything, but we, probably me more than him, were pretty consumed with our circumstance.

Now, I'll stop being vague. We would like to have children and have been 'not avoiding' since April. I was also trying to pay attention to my cycle so that when we were officially trying we would know how things worked. Well, its kind of hard to figure out how things work when they don't work correctly. Basically I went 71 days between periods. That's May to July. I've always had abnormal cycles so missing my period isn't a shock, but makes it hard when I'm not pregnant and can't even figure out my cycle in hopes to get pregnant. Towards the end of June I realized that I would need to take a pregnancy test since I hadn't started. I knew if the results of this test were negative then something wasn't working right. The beginning of July I took a test and it was negative. After a few tears of frustration I tried to call a doctor. The earliest appointment I could get was two weeks away. In the meantime, I found out that two new friends of mine from church are both pregnant. By the grace of God, I was/am able to be so genuinely excited for them and want to celebrate and support them in their pregnancies. However, there were also tears of sorrow for myself. All these 'what if' questions and 'I want' thoughts intermingled with genuine prayers for my friends.

In this time all I could do was cry out to the Lord. I knew/know he is my only help because HE is completely Sovereign over my life, body, and future. He knows when and if he has children in my future. So I must wait in him. The Psalms were so helpful to life my head and remind my of my hope in God, specifically Psalm 33:20-22, Psalm 94: 19,22, and Psalm 95:6. Also, I've been reading In Light of Eternity by Randy Alcorn and contemplating the hope I have in heaven and eternity with the Lord. Again, I have NO guarantee of children and pregnancy. Though they can be the expected steps of life, they have not been promised to me, though they are blessings from the Lord. I cannot put my hope in pregnancy or having children because they are things of this world that do not last. My hope is in heaven where I will be with the Lord.

These truths have brought consolation to my soul throughout this last month as I've walked through the emotions and frustrations of what is going on with my body. I've gone from despair at the beginning of July to hope today. We went to the doctor and they took some blood tests. Then I went back again last week to find the results. We found out that I have two strings of pearls on my ovaries. Which really means cysts. I have PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome) which is when there are cysts on the ovaries and hormonal imbalances that can effect ovulation. My hormones are not that out of whack and the cysts make it hard for the eggs to release from the ovaries. That's my current understanding.

They wanted to put me on medication, but Neil and I want to try fixing my hormones naturally first. So I'm on a diet. Not to lose weight, but to eat more naturally and organically. This means no enriched white flour, no processed foods, cage free eggs, grain fed chicken, grass fed meats, organic vegetables, and the hardest- NO SUGAR, which means NO ICE CREAM. Those of you that know me understand that this one is the hardest to give up. I've grown up on ice cream, but in light of balancing my hormones and maybe getting pregnant I'm okay with it.

So far the diet hasn't been too bad. Grocery shopping has definitely cost more but cooking isn't any more difficult. I just change the recipe to where I can eat it. And we are just doing the best we can because ultimately this diet isn't what gets me pregnant. The Lord is the one would gives life whether he uses the diet, or medication, or his own power alone, he is the one who would bless Neil and I with children.

I really like pearls in general and I DO NOT want to despise the pearls on my ovaries because the Lord is using them to draw me closer to him and life my eyes and my hope to heaven.

I've wanted to share through the month of July, but there wasn't anything to really share and I was so emotionally drained I didn't know where to start. But now I'm better because I am filled with hope and daily needing to be filled with hope.

ONE YEAR and counting

Its official! Neil and I have been married for one whole year (and a few days)!
We spent the past weekend in Asheville, NC to celebrate the occasion. This was really our first vacation since we've been married and it was so great! I'm learning, in regard to my last post, that I think I was so overwhelmed in Williamsburg because we were constantly around people, lots of them, trying to do all the same thing at the same time and that can make things kind of hectic. I come to this conclusion because Neil and I did quite a bit of sight seeing in Asheville. Saturday we arrived and immediately went downtown and spent a few hours walking around and eating. Then we went back to our house and watched USA get beat by Ghana in the World Cup (I was kind of bummed, but excited for Ghana since they are the only African country left in the tournament and its in Africa). Afterwards, we went back downtown and ate dinner and walked around some more. Sunday (our actual anniversary) we went to the Biltmore and it was beautiful! The house was immaculate and it was so interesting to learn about the Vanderbilt family. If you ever go to the Biltmore you must at least get the audio tour- its totally worth it! Part of the tour price is a free wine tasting. Neil and I don't like wine, but we tried several kinds and can say confidently that we really don't like wine, but it was fun to try! That night we went to dinner at an Indian Restaurant- spicy, but yummy! On Monday we went to Hendersonville, NC which has a cute downtown and a Mast General Store! I really like walking through this store (Knoxville has one!) because its fun to see the old toys and all the knick-knacks they have there. Then we drove home through the Blue Ridge Parkway, doing this probably added about 2 hours to our drive home, but it was BEAUTIFUL!!! As I write out what we did, I realize that maybe it wasn't super busy, but I really liked it! Biltmore Estate

Wine Tasting

Dressed up for Anniversary DinnerCake Topper! (still yummy!)

Hendersonville, NC
Blue Ridge Parkway

We also took some time to go back through our wedding vows and see what the Lord has done in our hearts and marriage through this past year and also see where we each need to grow. It was both encouraging and humbling to see what God has done and to see where we need to grow. It was be interesting to see what this next year holds! I'm really glad to be married to Neil!

p.s. I don't know how else to upload pictures besides putting them under each other. I don't like how it makes the post even longer, any advice on how I can do them side by side?

Williamsburg, Williams' Wedding, and Expectations

It's been exactly a month since I've posted, but its been a busy month! At the beginning of June, Neil and I went to Williamsburg with his sister and her husband for about 5 days. We had a really good time! It was the first 'educational' vacation I have ever gone on (apart from school trips to NYC) and I really enjoyed it! We went to Colonial Williamsburg, Jamestown, and the Mariner's Museum (my husband's request). Below are a few pictures.This is Neil and I in the stocks (I think that is what they are called) at Colonial Williamsburg. It's kind of special because my parents went to Colonial Williamsburg on a little vacation when I was younger and my dad took my mom's picture in the stocks. I don't know if they are the same ones, but I like to think they might be.
This is us at the Mariner's Museum in Newport News, VA. We stopped by there on our way to Yorktown, but we never made it to Yorktown... Neil really wanted to check out the museum and we went along with it. I thought it was going to take about an hour and be this rinky-dink museum. NOT! It was HUGE! It's the largest maritime museum in the US and it was definitely LARGE! We spent the ENTIRE DAY there!!!!!! The museum starts with boats from the beginning of Colonial America and goes all the way to present day. It has a neat section about the Titanic, World War I and II, and a room with model ships this guy built and his wife painted. They have a huge section talking about the Monitor and the Merrimack ironclads and the civil war. Boats are not really my thing, but I was overall impressed with the quality of the museum and am glad we went there. It was REALLY fun for me to see my husband enjoy it. He's not a man with many preferences and he isn't real particular on having his preferences met, so to see him show interest in this museum and enjoy it was fun for me.

This is us at Jamestown. It was really hot that day and Jamestown wasn't what I thought it would be like. We had a tour from an archeologist about the things they were finding that were the original Colonial Jamestown. It sounds like it would have been interesting and I think it was for most of Neil's family and others that were there, but I was really confused the whole time and that led to me being not interested in it.

Neil's family was also in Williamsburg with us because his brother, Nathan, was getting married!!!!!!!!! Nathan and Ariana got married on June 5th in Williamsburg and it was so fun and beautiful!
Nathan is in the Navy and he and Ariana both live in Virginia so it made sense to get married in Virginia. It was a beautiful wedding and reception and I am really excited about having another sister in law!!!

Overall, the trip was interesting because it was not what I had expected. Neil and I learned that we 'vacation' differently. My family didn't vacation much growing up and if we did it was either to a relative's house or to the beach. We wouldn't really do a whole lot on our vacations either. We would relax, visit with family, go do something once a day-maybe, and take it easy. Neil is accustomed to going on vacation and being busy the whole time doing things and seeing things. His family would do the restful vacationing at the lake, but if they were going somewhere then they were going to go see the whole place. Again, this is really my first 'educational, historical' vacation and it makes sense that we would go to these places and see things, but I was not expecting to be gone all day doing these things. Also, I think that me being an only child and Neil being the middle child of 5 played into the differences. I'm not use to being around a lot of people ALL day and he is. By dinner time each night, I was so exhausted, physically and socially that I could barely hold a conversation with anyone. I was just stare and listen to his family around me. Which is weird for me because I love his family and I would usually consider myself the extrovert and social 'bug'. Poor Neil several times would ask- 'Are you ok?' and all I could say is, 'I'm just tired. or 'I'm just spent.' It's so interesting to learn these things about each other and see how they play out in your marriage. We were conflict free in learning these things, but it was still so interesting.

We are going to Asheville, NC this weekend to celebrate our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!!, so it will be interesting to see if our separate vacation histories mesh or bump heads... I'll keep you posted!!!!!!!

Sunday Priorities

Making sure my underwear and bra match should probably not be a major priority on Sunday mornings... especially when its a nice turquoise bra, because when it is and I wear a sleeveless shirt I forget to consider if my bra straps are going to be slipping out of their proper places ALL MORNING LONG! And I don't consider this until we are already parked at church(which is 20-25 mins. away) and I realize my straps have already slipped out to say hello... Then I have to have the best posture known to man into order to keep them in place and check them every 10 mins. because I don't really like other people to know I am wearing a turquoise bra.
"Why not go to the bathroom and adjust them?" you may ask. Well because its not that they are too loose but because they just like to shift around when I move AND because I didn't think of that. Don't judge me. :) And it's probably not a big deal, but I definitely don't think it modest either.
Now, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting your undergarments to match, especially when you are married and someone other than yourself (preferably your husband) sees them, but I probably should also consider my wardrobe in light of the undergarments I'm wearing or vice versa or something to that effect... anyway, lesson learned-for now. K, thats all!

A PURPLE KITCHEN?!

Well, we have officially said 'Goodbye' to our apartment and said 'Hello' to our house. We moved in last weekend and are almost unpacked. There is nothing on the walls, yet and I don't think Neil and I are too quick to hang things up either. We'll get to it eventually. Neil has already mowed the yard and I've made my list of 'Home Projects' that ranges from simple things I can do during the day such as paint the front door or make curtains to saving up for new counter tops in the kitchen (I think this is just a dream). Neil and I have enjoyed living in the house, but it wasn't this idea that consumed us. Its just the place that we live now. We lived in an apartment last week that we loved, but now we live in a house and we like it also. However, I can see the 'I wantsies' creeping in because I want to decorate and spend money, but I'll deal with that 'heart stuff' later. For now... here are pictures of our house! Enjoy! We sure do!






































































Tour Guide: Front of house, view of Living Room from Front door, side of living room. Kitchen, Dinette area of Kitchen. Kitchen and appliances. Hall to Hall Bathroom. Hall Bathroom. Guest Room/Office/T.V. room. 3rd Bedroom, a.k.a storage room, a.k.a future kids room. Hall to Master Bedroom, Master Bedroom, and Master Bedroom to Master bath. Master Bathroom. Last but not least, the laundry room which leads to the garage. I forgot to take pictures of the back yard and deck, but they exist.

Yes, our Kitchen is purple. And Yes, that was on purpose. I wanted something fun and bright for the kitchen since I'm going to be in it A LOT. I thought of the purple, blue, brown scheme before we ever started looking for houses and Neil was very encouraging of the idea. Everyone else's responses to the idea have been very skeptical. But so far when people see it they really like it and if they don't they are nice about it. Besides, its my kitchen that God has given me and I think it gives God joy when we delight in our homes and having a purple kitchen delights me, and Neil.
The green laundry room was a mutual idea, the BRIGHT GREEN laundry room was more Neil's idea... but i like it now. I think it still surprises me that we have a bright green laundry room... I mean it radiates off people's clothes!-seriously. It will be interesting to decorate it, but I'm up for the challenge.
I'm really thankful Neil likes color and bright ones at that (something I learned about him during the painting picking process) and he is so supportive and encouraging about the paint colors we picked out. Just another example of being 'peas and carrots'.
Anyway, we take guests anytime! Come on over!