Despairing to Joy

I've been seeking to follow the PCOS diet for almost two months and its been a whirlwind of emotions. I started out strong and with faith to learn about the diet and try it. I didn't want it to consume me or be the constant topic of conversation, but it was hard to not research the diet and PCOS, talk with Neil about my findings and my questions, and talk with others about my confusion and questions. I think it did consume me and turned into an idol. I was wanting to 'get the diet right' so it would fix me and I could increase my changes of conceiving. I was comparing myself with my friends whose cycles regulated very quickly and saw constant changes. I was wanting to control my circumstance and fix it quickly. It wasn't and isn't working that way.

Through that I succumbed to despair. There wasn't an instant when I hit the wall of despair, but subtle trickles of helplessness, confusion, frustration, anger, and then hopelessness. I was angry to have PCOS even though its really common. I didn't want to talk about the diet with people, I didn't care about the diet, I didn't want to go to social functions because I didn't want to explain AGAIN why I couldn't eat the food, and I hated that it was the one thing people were asking me about. I've lost weight because of the diet and I hated that people noticed. Any woman in their right mind would LOVE to lose weight and to have people notice, but I hated it. I was angry that it was the only change that had taken place. I was angry that my clothes weren't fitting because I had lost weight. I didn't want to love a friend who is pregnant, I honestly didn't want to even talk to her. In my angry, lonely despair, I wanted her to feel alone. I was wallowing in my selfishness.

BUT GOD

In his mercy has turned my despair to joy. I realized that I was wasting this time of waiting. This time is the perfect time to know the Lord instead of running from him. I want to value this time of waiting and this opportunity to press into the Lord and know him and his purposes better. This is such a precious time and I will miss it if I succumb to despair. But if I press into hope and joy in Lord then it won't be wasted. God is using this to produce in me perseverance, character, and hope. His word says that hope does not disappoint. (Romans 5:3-5) So I'm trying to press in to him instead of pressing into despair and anger. I think 'pressing in' for me looks like taken my thoughts captive and choosing my thoughts. I am choosing to believe God instead of choosing to doubt God. I am choosing to believe his word that says He is for me. I am choosing to be thankful for this diet instead of hateful for it. I am choosing to be thankful for the weight loss and being healthy instead of angry. I try to pray for my meals and ask God to bless the food ('PCOS approved' or not) to my body and nourish it according to his purpose (sometimes I forget to pray for the meal). I am choosing to rejoice and think well of my pregnant friends and what God had done for them instead of thinking of myself and what 'God had done to me'. I am choosing to be thankful for this sweet opportunity to know the Lord and not miss it.

It's a hard battle, but its better than not fighting at all. I've seen the Lord's faithfulness to me even in this past Sunday's sermon on Romans 4:13-22 about Abraham and God's promise to make him the father of many nations. Abraham had no children at the time when God made the promise to him and his wife Sarah was barren. They waited 25 YEARS for the fulfillment of that promise in Isaac! I LOVE verses 18-21:
¹⁸In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, "So shall your offspring be." ¹⁹He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead ( since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah’s womb. ²⁰No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, ²¹fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.

In godly hope Abraham believed against the odds of worldly hope.
Abraham still believed the Lord would fulfill his promise to Abraham despite the reality of his circumstance that Abraham was REALLY OLD and his REALLY OLD WIFE was BARREN. He didn't waver in unbelief because he knew God was faithful and able.
God promised Abraham that he would make him the father of many nations and give him a son and he did.

God has NOT promised me children, but he has promised me eternal hope and joy in Christ. He has promised that this trial is producing fruit in my life. He has promised that" his word is right and true and that he is faithful in all he does." (Psalm 33:4) He has promised that he hears me when I cry out to him. He has promised me that he is my help and my shield and that I can wait in hope for him. (Psalm 33:20)

Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! (Psalm 27:14)
I want to do this well! Wait for the Lord, have joy and take courage!

So that's been my month and I'm doing well right now by God's grace he has continued to help me rejoice and have faith. I think i will continually be tempted to despair, but I do not have to live in despair because of the cross! Praise the Lord!