4 Years.

Today is the 4 year anniversary of my mom's death. It's not my favorite day of the year and I miss her, but I'm doing okay. I've been aware periodically the last two weeks that today was the 4 year anniversary, but that is as far as my thoughts have gone. Even today I was going about my morning when I received a text from a far away friend that said she was thinking of me today. Then I remembered, "oh yeah... today is the day." I'm thankful she texted me and that she remembered! I haven't talked with her in a few months and it meant a lot that she remembered. I definitely wasn't expecting anyone else to remember something that hasn't happened to them especially since I haven't really thought about it. There is apart of me that doesn't want to remember this day 4 years ago, but I see how the Lord has taught me and brought me deeper into knowing him through it. (It still feels wrong and weird to say that what I learned by my mom's death brings closure to my mom's death... as if to say what God has taught me from that loss closes and wraps up that part of my life like a box with a nicely tied bow. I don't think that's true, I don't think regardless of my day-to-day feelings that my mom's death is all closed up and is ready to be shipped off or put on a shelf. I think it will always be with me and that it can be opened up at anytime and I can learn more and grieve more.) I am thankful for what the Lord has taught me: this world is not my home and things that I always thought were secure like the institution of a family are not secure. This is a fallen world and disease, sickness, violence, and death are all results of the fall. Therefore my hope is in heaven where God is because things in heaven and of eternal worth last forever. I want my hope to be there. Not that I don't love the gifts of this life, but I need to be continually aware that they pass away and I'm not guaranteed anything in this life, but the promises of God through Christ.

Today has really been a very normal day and I think that's okay. I told Neil last night that I feel like there is this expectation that I've got to lay in bed all day and be sad, but that's not a realistic expectation. If that is where I was at right now then that's what I'd be doing, but its not. I'm fine. Yes, I really miss my mom, but not just today, a lot of days throughout the year. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I laugh, and most of the time I'm fine. So I believe its okay that I go about today running errands, helping a friend, blogging, reheating leftovers, picking up the house, and waiting for Neil to come home. I believe its okay if today is a normal day even when its not 'just any 'ol day'.