It's been awhile since I've posted because the month of July was pretty hard. Neil and I weren't busy with anything, but we, probably me more than him, were pretty consumed with our circumstance.
Now, I'll stop being vague. We would like to have children and have been 'not avoiding' since April. I was also trying to pay attention to my cycle so that when we were officially trying we would know how things worked. Well, its kind of hard to figure out how things work when they don't work correctly. Basically I went 71 days between periods. That's May to July. I've always had abnormal cycles so missing my period isn't a shock, but makes it hard when I'm not pregnant and can't even figure out my cycle in hopes to get pregnant. Towards the end of June I realized that I would need to take a pregnancy test since I hadn't started. I knew if the results of this test were negative then something wasn't working right. The beginning of July I took a test and it was negative. After a few tears of frustration I tried to call a doctor. The earliest appointment I could get was two weeks away. In the meantime, I found out that two new friends of mine from church are both pregnant. By the grace of God, I was/am able to be so genuinely excited for them and want to celebrate and support them in their pregnancies. However, there were also tears of sorrow for myself. All these 'what if' questions and 'I want' thoughts intermingled with genuine prayers for my friends.
In this time all I could do was cry out to the Lord. I knew/know he is my only help because HE is completely Sovereign over my life, body, and future. He knows when and if he has children in my future. So I must wait in him. The Psalms were so helpful to life my head and remind my of my hope in God, specifically Psalm 33:20-22, Psalm 94: 19,22, and Psalm 95:6. Also, I've been reading In Light of Eternity by Randy Alcorn and contemplating the hope I have in heaven and eternity with the Lord. Again, I have NO guarantee of children and pregnancy. Though they can be the expected steps of life, they have not been promised to me, though they are blessings from the Lord. I cannot put my hope in pregnancy or having children because they are things of this world that do not last. My hope is in heaven where I will be with the Lord.
These truths have brought consolation to my soul throughout this last month as I've walked through the emotions and frustrations of what is going on with my body. I've gone from despair at the beginning of July to hope today. We went to the doctor and they took some blood tests. Then I went back again last week to find the results. We found out that I have two strings of pearls on my ovaries. Which really means cysts. I have PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome) which is when there are cysts on the ovaries and hormonal imbalances that can effect ovulation. My hormones are not that out of whack and the cysts make it hard for the eggs to release from the ovaries. That's my current understanding.
They wanted to put me on medication, but Neil and I want to try fixing my hormones naturally first. So I'm on a diet. Not to lose weight, but to eat more naturally and organically. This means no enriched white flour, no processed foods, cage free eggs, grain fed chicken, grass fed meats, organic vegetables, and the hardest- NO SUGAR, which means NO ICE CREAM. Those of you that know me understand that this one is the hardest to give up. I've grown up on ice cream, but in light of balancing my hormones and maybe getting pregnant I'm okay with it.
So far the diet hasn't been too bad. Grocery shopping has definitely cost more but cooking isn't any more difficult. I just change the recipe to where I can eat it. And we are just doing the best we can because ultimately this diet isn't what gets me pregnant. The Lord is the one would gives life whether he uses the diet, or medication, or his own power alone, he is the one who would bless Neil and I with children.
I really like pearls in general and I DO NOT want to despise the pearls on my ovaries because the Lord is using them to draw me closer to him and life my eyes and my hope to heaven.
I've wanted to share through the month of July, but there wasn't anything to really share and I was so emotionally drained I didn't know where to start. But now I'm better because I am filled with hope and daily needing to be filled with hope.